When Someone You Love, Loses Someone They Love

A few days ago I received a message from a girl seeking advice in talking to her friend who had just lost her brother to suicide. First, I commend her for her bravery in seeking out a stranger on such a delicate topic, and second in her mindfulness about the situation. This is truly the core of why I began writing. Although it is my utmost hope that no one will have to be in this situation, I understand that suicide, or death in general rather, did not start and end at my sister. Everyone will eventually face the death of a love one, its tragic but it's inevitable.

In the past 5 months since losing my sister, many people have walked out of my life. Some right away, others over time - but I'm not hurt or angry over it, I completely understand. For many people in my circle, this was the first unexpected, traumatic loss they experienced. So when it came down to communicating with me, no one really knew how to do it and in fairness I didn't know how to communicate back. Sometimes all I wanted to do was talk about my sister, other times she would be brought up and I would freeze. A few loyal friends and stayed at my side through it all and I am so thankful for them. This list isn't perfect as I continue to learn along the way. I wish the best for whoever needs it.

When someone you care about loses someone they love:

1. In the context of suicide: Never ask how they did it, where they did it, and who found them. If you suspect suicide but it hadn't been made public, do not try to confirm.

You may be her best friend. You may have known her family all of her life. If she does not tell you the details, it's because she doesn't want you to know. We are human. We have a natural curiosity when it comes to death. For what reason we obsess over details like this, I don't know. But we all have been guilty of this at one point or another in our lives. After I made the news public that my sister had passed, I couldn't believe how many people blatantly asked me these questions. Someone I didn't even know marched up to me at her wake and loudly asked, "She was so young, did she kill herself? Why'd she do that?" I was shocked, I was devastated.

Asking someone the details of a suicide is asking them to relive the most painful moment of their life. Is satisfying your curiosity worth that?

2. Check in on them constantly, but do so without expectation.

There are times when I needed someone to talk to but didn't want to be burdensome by sending an "I'm feeling sad" text. There are other times when I had 10 people reaching out to me to ask how I was feeling or if I needed anything and I wanted to turn my phone off and stare at a wall. Fast forward five months, the checking in texts are few and far between yet I still have days where I can't stop crying or get out of bed. Knowing that someone is thinking of me is helpful beyond words.

3. Understand that plans will be changed and canceled.

I try my hardest to make plans and stick to them but in many cases, the anxiety wins. Especially when the plans involve alcohol. If I had a bad day, there is a 100% chance I will run to the bathroom and start crying after my 2nd drink. I don't want that, I don't want my friends to have to deal with that, so I try to avoid it at all costs.

4. Find resources for them.

Resources on getting through a suicide loss are extremely limited, and most people won't have the drive to do it themselves. But getting professional help is crucial in the first few months. Create a list of therapists, psychiatrists, support groups, organizations, and anything else that may be beneficial to that person. Ask if you can call their office or school counselor and explain the situation. Speak to their HR department about extended leave options.

I was introduced to the LOSS program right away. This once a month support group has been my saving grace. In addition to that, I am blessed to work for a company that allowed me to take as much time off as I needed without any expectation or repercussions. But many people facing a loss do not have that luxury. Some may not get any paid leave at all which escalates an emotional burden to a financial one. Death is expensive, not just a funeral, but everything after the fact as well. Therapy, medication, memorials, on top of the funeral, can quickly wipe a savings. A lot of families need financial support. I wouldn't suggest starting a gofundme without the family's permission as doing so may seem intrusive, but it doesn't hurt to ask about that and starting a fundraiser by other means.

5. Have an abundance of patience.

I can't say "imagine if you were her", because every situation in incomparable to the next. No one has any idea what is going on in my head, and I the same to others. Grieving is never turned off. You don't just wake up one day with the ability to live as nothing had happened. Sure, I do have good days where I am completely focused on my work, go to the gym, and hold conversations without my mind racing out of control. But I also have days where I can't escape my mind for more than a few minutes. I could be triggered by the obvious, but I can also be triggered by something as simple as logging into the amazon prime account we once shared.

Time doesn't heal all when it comes to grieving. My life hasn't been a linear trend to better days. its bumpy, as grieving seems to come in waves and hits you when you least expect it. Many people who weren't as close to my sister had the ability to move up and on with life after a month or so and expect the same from others. I wake up every day, look at my sister's prayer card and have to remind myself that she is dead. I still don't fully believe it. I don't know if I ever will.

6. Send a care package instead of a card.

A few days after my sister's funeral, the mailman handed me a box sent by an old friend who's dad passed away a few months prior. Having been through this, she knew exactly what I needed - kleenex packs, vaseline, candy, zzquil, a candle. It meant the absolute world to me. Not just the contents of the box, but the thought that she took the time and energy to make it. And it truly was exactly what I needed. Books, journals, pens, and photo albums are a great ideas too.

7. If you knew the person who passed, share the memories you held.

I knew my sister as my sister, not as a student, co-worker, or happy hour buddy. In the weeks after losing her, there was nothing that could bring me more joy than hearing stories about her. Especially the silly, random ones that are often forgotten about.

8. If she says something that upsets you, try your best to let it go.

Moving from the "I'm finishing this bottle of wine and saying whatever the f*** is on my mind" phase back to having a filter is a very rocky transition. I'm a private griever and and often panic when I get emotional in public. So instead of letting it out and crying, I would get angry instead. Have I regretted every outburst or time I gave everyone around me the cold shoulder? Absolutely. But having to apologize for upsetting someone is difficult, especially when that person wasn't aware of what I went through.

9. Most importantly, if you do not presently have a relationship with the person or the person that died and are questioning whether or not to reach out to them, always, always do.

"Focus on the people that are here, not the ones that arn't" is something I heard quite a few times at my sister's wake. That was a difficult one to process. It's even more difficult to admit to the amount of spite I held towards people who said nothing at all. Death makes people uncomfortable, I absolutely understand that, but going on with your life as if nothing happened is inexcusable given the endless means of communication today. It is painful to think about how much gossip was circulated around by people that did not have the common curiosity to send a message of condolence to my family. It is by know means the way that I want to see the world, but it is my reality. That likely won't resonate with anyone until they are in this situation. I was disappointed in so many people, it's a grudge that I can't easily let go of even today.

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There is no secret one-fits-all way of communicating in a time like this, but openness, mindfulness, and compassion are always the means to being effective. Separate your own emotions from the situation and listen intently. This list is a work in progress as I navigate through grief and the way I communicate with the world. For those who have been through this, please feel free to share anything that you feel is missing.