Lessons From Loss: Blaming

Blaming is a very common habit, not only in the context of suicide, but life in general as well. Everything has a cause and effect, so that means for every action there has to be a reason or excuse...right? We certainly thought so.

In the first months after Lauren lost her life to suicide, we blamed everyone from her ex, to her doctor, to her therapist, to the medication. Having something or someone to point our finger at made coping a lot easier. When that wasn't enough, we thought maybe she had a brain tumor or something physically wrong. But what we failed to realize was that everything goes full circle, blaming others caused us to blame ourselves as well. My mom blamed herself harshly, despite being the one to care for her the most throughout her depression.

Blaming her doctors, therapist, and the medication was all too simple. Medical professionals are trained to see these things right? Medication is supposed to make everything better right? It never occurred to me that Lauren's talent of bottling things up inside and hiding it would somehow diminish in the hands of professionals. She only let out bits and pieces to them, never the full, undisclosed truth. They didn't know my sister, they couldn't read her mind and see into the future. It wasn't their fault. The medication caused severe adverse side effects for Lauren, but the same medication has helped many others. It wasn't the medication's fault either.

Blaming her ex was by far the easiest. We knew Lauren's demeanor before him, with him, and the downturn her life took after him. We could pinpoint her depression starting the day she moved home. I blamed him so fiercely that I refused to acknowledge anything positive in the 7 years they were together. When I scrolled through her phone I documented every warning sign and red flag. But what I learned is that red flags are not red flags until something happens. They only become red flags after the fact. Had Lauren never died, they wouldn't have been given a second thought.

A few weeks ago I went to my support group and for the first time I heard the story from the other side: a man who lost his girlfriend to suicide. He too was her family's point of blame. Although our situations were inherently different, it changed my viewpoint drastically. For the first time I started letting go of my anger towards him and thought that maybe he was truly sorry for what he did that ended their relationship, and he really did think he was helping her, and he didn't take her suicidal texts seriously because he didn't know she was serious. I will never fully forgive him but my anger has begun to fade. As hard as it is to say, it wasn't his fault.

So who's fault was it then?

Where is the missing piece of the puzzle?

Who killed my sister?

Those questions will forever be left unanswered because the only person that can tell me is no longer with us, and I'm finally starting to accept that. Blaming is only going to cause more pain and hatred. There's no room left in my heart for that.

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Having this new broadened view of blame has caused a tickle down effect in recognition in my everyday life. Blaming has become one of my biggest pet peeves.

We have a natural, instinctual tendency to blame someone else because it is so much easier than accepting responsibility ourselves, or realizing that there is nothing tangible to blame at all. I work in an environment where there are so many moving pieces, mistakes happen all the time. And when someone makes a mistake, it is almost always followed by blaming someone else or listing every excuse under the sun. I have come to realize that I don't lose any respect for someone or invalidate their work over a mistake - it's trivial and meaningless in the grand scheme of life. But what does matter is finding a solution. Saying "this happened because of excuse" is far less productive than saying "this happened, but here is how we can fix it"

When you fall into the habit of blaming, you train your brain into thinking that you never make mistakes. It may be easier to deal with internally, but doing so will never allow for correction and growth.

I didn't go to yoga because no classes fit in my schedule today.

No, I didn't go to yoga because I didn't prioritize it.

Teddy pooped in the house again because my roommates left the bathroom door open.

No, Teddy pooped in the house because I waited too long to take him outside.

My weight won't budge because I've reached a plateau.

No, my weight won't budge because I eat too many cookies.

Like most things in life, mindfulness and recognition is the first step. If I said that I no longer blame after losing my sister, I would be lying through my teeth. But this is something that I've taken great strides to correct in myself, and hope that I continue to correct as I progress through life, and inspire others to do the same.