"I'm Fine, Thanks for Asking"

Written on November 9, 2017

How are you? How are you feeling? How’s your mom? 

The daily questions I am asked, but never want to answer. Because when you ask me these questions, I have two ways in which I can respond. I can tell you the truth about how I can’t remember the last time I went a few hours without crying, I can’t focus on anything for more than a few minutes, that I struggle to watch other people living their lives while I wallow in grief, and that I live in constant fear that I will break down at any second, in any situation. Or I can lie.

I can throw a half smile on my face, nod my head, and say tell you that I am ok, that I'm taking it day by day, doing better by the minute, and staying strong for my family.

Every encounter I have with someone I need to second guess their motive, and every following message thereafter. Are you doing this as a formality? Do you think you owe me something? Do you ask me to open up because you are a safe place for me to confide in, or are you just preying for gossip to relay back to others? I have lost trust in almost everyone I know. I wish I could see the best in people but I simply cannot. In a world where my sister took her life because no one was able to help her, I find it hard to see good in anyone. But maybe you're asking me how I’m feeling with good and wholesome intentions, maybe you genuinely do care.

I understand that I shouldn’t be bothered by the intentions of others. I should speak from my heart when I feel it is appropriate, and guard myself when it is not. I must learn how to control my anger towards those who are simply trying to help. Maybe it’s too soon to know how to properly deal with my emotions. Maybe my current mental state is temporary, and a year from now I won’t even remember this feeling.

How am I really doing? I am broken. But I’m trying my best to carry on.