2017 Was Going to be My Year

As I look back on 2017, there is so much good that came from it. But despite all, it will forever be stamped as the worst year in my life.

Back in 2016, I quit my wedding planning job at a company I worked for since I was 16. At the same time, I overloaded my course schedule so that I could graduate a semester early in December. I did a bit a traveling shortly there after and was ready to welcome in 2017 as a college graduate. I planned to take my time finding a job that I actually wanted. I was in no rush because bartending at the time brought it more money than I needed. In January I learned to graphic design and started my own little freelance business designing fliers for six different bars in the city. It was already pacing to become a great year.

In February, I decided it was time to embark on my job hunt. All I knew is that I wanted to work in advertising and I wanted to work downtown. It took all but one day searching on Indeed and finding an entry level listing for media planning at the only advertising agency I knew of in Chicago. I applied, was interviewed, and began working there three weeks later. I worked 45 hours a week, bartended on Saturday nights, and spent all day Sunday designing. All of the extra money I made went straight to my student loans, I set a goal to have them paid off by the end of the year.

In April I signed up to run a half marathon 11 weeks away. I had never even ran a 5k but the adrenaline high of accomplishments motivated me to keep achieving more. July came quickly. I ran faster than I trained for and crossed the finish line in two hours 12 minutes.

In August my co-worker left the agency, and with our boss on maternity leave I was left on the account practically by myself. Although backfill was there to help, it proved to be the most challenging time in my professional life. I worked longer hours, learned more, and achieved more than I ever did before.

Everything changed that summer when Lauren fell depressed. I made it a point to come home more and give her the support she needed. There are days when I feel like I did enough, where I think about how many times I made the choice to put my life on hold to put her first. Those days are rare. Most, I feel an overwhelming pang of guilt that I could have spent the weekend at home but chose to go out with my friends, to bartend, to live my life. Every morning I would call my mom to ask how Lauren was doing when I should have texted her myself. It has been a long road in realizing that I cannot think "did I do enough?" but rather realizing that I didn't know that I needed to do more. I didn't know I only had a few months left with her and an entire life thereafter with myself.

My world came crumbling down around me the moment my sister died. Absolutely nothing mattered. Every goal and aspiration that was put on hold throughout her depression was permanently abolished. I stopped eating, then only ate unhealthy food. I stopped working out and taking care of myself. It took me a month to go back to work. I couldn't stomach the thought of ever bartending again. I didn't care about getting promoted, running, paying off my loans. Any aspirational thought was quickly swatted out of my mind with a voice in my head yelling 'how could I possibly be so selfish right now?'

As I carried myself through the past few months, I began to accept and welcome goals back into my life, little day to day accomplishments. Go back to work, cook a few meals, start designing again, go out with my friends, go to yoga. Every single thing, no matter how big or small, shocked my body as if I was doing it for the first time. I accepted and welcomed failure in my life. I accepted how different everything became, yet similar at the same time.

2017 was not my year. But 2018 will, and then 2019, then 2020, and every year after that.